I aint dead yet.

Hi ho neighbor! Just droppin' a line to say, I aint dead yet. I'm workin' on some ish that is pullin' me in some other stratosphere. (You woulda thought I was high by that statement.)


But in tha meantime, PLEASE, feel free to sniff around, some of tha older pieces of brain matter I got layin' around here. I will definitely keep ya posted on tha other sh!t brewin'.

PLEEEASE... keep in touch. Taste ya soon. (Mannish til I die)


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I gotta get out more...

* In Captain Jack Sparrow's voice * Ahoy B!tches!!!. In my attempt to enhance my social life...i.e. (Workin' on makin' my face a thousand lipstick flavors.) And also to let off some steam, I decided to hit tha streets. My Phuckery started on Friday and ended on Sunday. (I have tha Scratches on my azzcheek to prove it) Let's recap shall we?

DISCLAIMER: What you're about to read contains extreme language and nudity...Grow yo azz up and get over it.

FRIDAY: I hung out at my Favorite watering hole Revelations in Country Club Hills Il.(Natch) to hear Legendary DJ/Producer/Performer Farley JackMaster Funk.
Let me start my statements wit tha following. Tha music was EFFFFFIN extrordinary!!!

It was suuuch a rich and vibrant mix of house music, that made tha whole night seem like a religious experience. Yeah..i'm a tad biased, due to tha fact that,this is tha music I grew up on. But anyone who enjoys an original, eclectic,grooves, set to a organic atmosphere, would've have enjoyed this night.

Farley was a Pied piper/showman/ringmaster. Even tha DJ's and producers in attendance, were in awe of tha man, who opened tha doors for them in this "Crabs In a Barrel" BullSh!t, we know as tha music industry.

Now for some random Phuckery of tha night. IT WAS CROWDED AS HELL MANNN!!! First of all..I walked into a sea of LaceFronts. It looked like "The Island of Dr.Moreau" for Beauticians. One woman looked like her LaceFront was sewn in side-damn-ways!!! It looked like a LaceFront Baseball cap! This ish gets worse. Fellas...Does Sean John make Men's T-shirts in tha size "I can cover a Mini Cooper,wit this mug?!?.." NOTE: Lay off tha McRibs.

Every Bald,Big dude there looked like they tried out to be Suge Knight in a VH1 special. Ladies...If you wear Thigh-High boots wit heels, Don't lace them up sooo tight. It looks like you're cookin' Pot Roast below tha knee. ALL big dudes, please refrain from using Bluetooth sooo much. When ya have it in ya ear, it looks like it's lettin' me know, when your body's stopped cookin'. (Blinkin') Oh..did I mention it was effffin crowded?!?

I think I may have some DNA test to take. I rubbed against so many women, I think one,may have gotten pregnant. In tha same token, I think one woman gave me Prostate exam by tha kitchen #NotComplainingSheWasGentle. I think that was her ring, I found in my...Ya get tha picture of how crowded it was.

Mad Love to Maurice Joshua,Tha Divine Ms.Tracy J.,"Come Hither Eyes" Kim L. and "Tipsy,Light Skinted, look so good drinkin' brown liquor" woman (Tracy and Kim's friend.) Watch tha floor, i'm gonna name drop some more. ONE LOVE to Hula and Tha Clubhouse Group, SunDance, DJ Blendz and tha innovator of a Movement Farley Jackmaster Funk.



SATURDAY: It was me , Her and Her and a Bald headed Midget Proctologist, Nekkid at tha LaQuinta Inn. #That'sABlogForAnotherTime.

SUNDAY : I applied Bactine on my...and I took my antibiotics #Don'tJudgeMeI'veMadePeaceWithMyNastiness. Then I bounced out to University Park Il., to hear tha band, AG SOUL.

Be on tha look out for these cats. 1.They play REAL instruments. Which to me, is such a breath of fresh air, ya know. 2. They play them phuckas WELL!!! They had such rich vibe, that reminds you of earlier L.T.D. (Look it up) They did a cover of Stevie Wonder, that was off tha hook! After tha 2nd shot of Patron, They actually sounded like Mint Condition.

There's nothin' like great music, great musicians , Bougie Black folks, and top shelf liquor to end tha weekend on a high azz note.

I was A little long winded on this one. But you're probably readin' this in tha bathroom on WIFI, or while gettin' your Pap Smear, so it worked out. So,if Ya'll will excuse me, I gotta make a "Movement" to get this girl's ring back. *Goes in bathroom, Shuts door*



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Black History Month. Really? celebrate what?

I don't believe that, we should celebrate Black History Month. Now...As you start to construct that nasty azz, acid-filled, hate e-mail to send me, read this in its entirety. (And if you do write me, I have two words...Spell check.)

In my opinion, ( Zero in on tha word, OPINION.) We don't appreciate our history unless its convenient. We take notice to our history, only when it may benefit us. I got a better chance at quality programming on B.E.T. (I know I'm Stretchin' it.) than anyone givin' a damn at this day and age, about where we have come from.

Back when we were Lil' Negrolets, Every February rolled around wit a new sense of pride. These were OUR PEOPLE they were talkin' about. You could'nt listen to tha radio, turn on tha T.V. or even look at tha bulletin board of your class room, without seein' something enlightening and uplifting bout our past. Hell.. Even Phuckin' SOUL TRAIN had a Black History Scramble board!

It seems that tha older we get, we don't take time out to reflect on our history. It's February and tha most negroist thing on T.V. has been MTVJams and tha Super Bowl?!? Back in tha day, we only had X amount of channels, but I still saw Roots, all tha Miniseries on Harriet Tubman, Dorothy Dandridge, Fredrick Douglass and tha like. Now...I can't even get a simple Martin Luther King Documentary. *EFFFIN SIGH*

FACT: With all current technology,(Facebook,Twitter,e-mail etc...) I've gotten "Scattered Azz" pics "If you love Jesus" e-mails, and "#ReTweetThisIf" Tweets, "Write a review for my "it sucks Rhino Penis" Mixtape".....but not one nugget of black history fact.


We wonder why tha paths of tha future, are soooo riddled wit violence, depression and uncertainty. We don't even have tha interest to see where we came from, to see how we ended up here, to respect those who came before us.

Soooo.... Until we appreciate our past, we as black folks don't deserve a phuckin' month. Just continue on our Coonabulous path. As my past has always told me, "If you don't know no better, you don't do no better" (Thank you Grandma.)


P. Damn S.... Cancel June as Black Music Month. We haven't made BLACK music since tha 90's





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Feb 14th. For tha Half-Azzed lover in U.

So, this is tha day you celebrate, all that's right wit luuuuv huh?!? Wellll.. it's time for me to poop on that theory, reeeal quick like. Ya see...I'm in love, wit love. (*In Sexy lisp*.. That one was fo tha laaadies...) I don't need a day, in which tha color Red and chocolates have become tha symbols of how much you luuuuv me.

Ya see..I'm not tha "Chardonay sippin', Sade song playin', Watchin tha movie "Brown Sugar" for tha 200th time, and knowin' eeeach phuckin' line sayin', Cryin' when I read Mary J. Blige song lyrics"... hopeless romantic guy.

I'm actually tha "Corona sippin', Maxwell's "Urban Hang Suite"/"Black Summer's Night" on repeat havin', downloaded Sade's "Soldier of Love" not only for tha lyrics, but its one of tha hardest Phuckin' beats in tha 2000's playin', Any Spike Lee movie, that deals wit relationships watchin', Need a woman wit enough issues, that they make volumes desiring" Guy. You know..realistic. #BornCynic.

So when it comes down to this one day, to let someone in on tha fact, they're loved, that to me seems rather...Half-Azzed. If you haven't let them in on your world this damn long, what's one more day gonna do.

I figure like this, If love flows through you guys like that, then Feb 14th, is really just another day. You ALWAYS can take time out your so-called busy life, to appreciate those that have made your heart sing.

For you to hold this Valentines day gig in that much of a high regard, should reeeally make ya think about, what you have as a union.

February 14th, is fine to start a new love. What better day to connect wit a possible soulmate, than over Cheddar biscuits at Red Lobster. For more established loves, that day should'nt be any more different than Monday thru Friday.

You celebrate love every day. Wit a phone call professing that love. You celebrate it everyday wit communication, enhancing that love. You celebrate love everyday wit jus doin' tha lil things to strengthen it. If you're followin' that formula, then that one day in February, is just really another day in love.

Those of you fortunate to have found that love, nurture it. So you don't depend on one day, to breathe life into it. Don't depend on trinkets and grand gestures to heighten it. What you will have will be organic and will strengthen wit time.

Now... if you will excuse me, I have some love to nurture.

TRANSLATION: I have a woman I visit (BreakIntoHerHomeWhenShesNotThere) and bask in her atmosphere.(GoInHerPantyDrawerAndStartSniffingAndWearing) Giggity Giggity.



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Track 32. How do I know you?

This is definitely some free hand sh!t. I don't do trendy or popular sh!t too well. Reason bein', is that I don't understand what makes some of this crappola resonate wit tha masses so well. So well in fact, that people follow and live by tha practices of these Self made celebrities.

Way back when (As if I gave Moses those tablets.) People had to have at least a tablespoon of talent, to be considered noteworthy. From sports figures, singers, rappers, writers,actors, hell, even porno stars had to have a modicum of talent or Chutzpah.

Now,If you have a decent internet connection on your cell or PC, you too can be Someone to know. But in lies tha rub , you may not know sh!t.


It's cool and all that you've got X number of friends on all these Internets, but what are you doin' wit them?!? What makes you somebody that I would pay a cover charge to see yo monkey azz?!?


Do ya sing? do ya model, tell jokes, rap, discuss sh!t intelligently (By tha way, I'd brave tha Hawk in Chi-Town, for some above-average convo.) If you do ANY of tha mentioned, then fine. Do you boo boo.


But if your only claim to fame is this Internets sh!t, Go back to school. Pick a trade, Sell steaks out of a van, something other than me just knowin' you for this internets. To my writers, I understand this is tha playground for your expression. But hell, even you have to be careful of what to associate yourself wit.Use tha internets to cultivate your message, in case you gotta back up your message in person.



To build a brand, you have to have something to market. Whether it's good or ill-concieved, you should be able to show me somethin' that makes me say, "Oh..ok. I get it. That's why people at least want to know him/her." I just don't get how we as people, have made celebrities of out of bein' Coonabulous,Beanerriffic and trashier shades of white.

Look, I don't mind anybody wantin'their shot at being known. But...HOW do you want to be known?!? Do you want to be known as a thinker, someone who stands out for their ideas and talent? OR..someone who's claim to fame is that their "Pants are on tha ground"?!?

(I reeeally believe that guy is "Chicken George", and he was frozen in time. He was thawed out two weeks before American Idol taped. Tha only reference he had to learn culture from was B.E.T.)


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This just in: This is why i'm not havin' kids.

To errybody that thought I only look for tha worst photos of women to post, well...tha..Fellas aint no better. Keep in mind..THIS IS A GUY. (No Homo or Fishsticks..Nullus) See ...This is why birth control should be given out in those "Special" classes.

ONE LOVE to MEDIATAKEOUT.COM for tha Coonabulous photo.

Ladies...Really?

DISCLAIMER: I say what i'm about to say, wit respect, love and a overwhelming sense of protecting you ladies. From others, but most of all, yourself.

Ladies, does'nt matter what color, size, Sexual orientation or mental illness, this is for you.

Maybe it's a slow news day at some publications, TV networks or Black radio , but tha subject i've been runnin' into is, Why can't women find any good men?

Now, most media have focused on tha "Why can't BLACK women, find any good BLACK men" angle. (Thumbtack that. We'll come back to that.) But as it turns out, Women of every race, creed and color are havin' tha same problem.

Which brings me to my opinions and subsequently my sex life, comin' to a damn abrupt ending. *Checks for Jergens lotion, and old sock* herrre, we go.

Ladies, I understand you want someone who, by your description, who's (In no particular order.) intelligent, witty, handsome, financially stable, a listener, no kids, little emotional baggage, cook, knows his way around tha bed, A fixer around tha house, marriage material and some other sh!t that only Phuckas in vampire movies can do.

Ladies, look at that damn list. You find me ONE true contender for ALL tha elements of that list, and i'll show you tha woman that masturbates thinkin' bout' Flavor Flav. Simply put.... a man like that DOES NOT EXIST.


It's understood ladies, that with all that you've individually been through, you will not settle for less. But look, where it's gotten you. Instead of bein' tha independent beings I know, you're startin' to become...us, wit better hair.

Women have always been tha more mature, intelligent, and more rational of tha sexes. Yeah sure, you have your moments, but through tha many and various things thrusted upon you, you still have time to carve out a living for yourself, re-populate tha planet, be mothers to children, maintain that radiant, stunning, addictive, ravishing yet puzzling mystery of a body. And you still keep your wits about your surroundings.

For all that I mentioned, I sincerely applaud you. You are so appreciated.

Now, let me tell you why you may have inadvertently did rock cocaine during one of your "just us girls" moments while watchin' Lifetime.

Ladies, wit all that we as men have shown you about us, (Trust me, we're not that hard to figure out. ) We've shown you that, we don't always see, what's riiight in front of us. We've shown you that, our attention spans are tha equivalent of a fifth grade class on a sugar rush. We as men can start wars, bully countries, gather and take resources to harvest for power. But we can't remember your birthday, call to tell you we're gonna be late, or just plainly put...communicate wit you.

You've witnessed all of these traits first hand ladies, wit very few men gettin' better in tha communication aspect of it. Not to mention, we can better ourselves only a little at a time. If we get one part of our lives stable, its gonna take a minute to even realize we need to fix anotha part. We're slow witted like that.

Here's where that cocaine kicked in. Through tha media, and these surveys and people, that have no real track record of havin' or helped relationships. (Laced wit cocaine for flavor) These outlets have you believing that you need a man wit all of these qualities, to round out yo life. When, what you reeeeeallly need is SOMEONE who YOU can communicate wit, that you can help grow, ALONG wit you.

Bottom line, No man will have all those traits listed above, and still have tha mental stamina to understand you. He's gotta go lackin' in some sh!t, in order for him to have enough brain function left to take in, all your womanly goodness. You gotta accept that. Don't you fall into tha trap, of havin' multiple phuckas in yo life, for multiple functions. Face it, that makes you us wit better hair.

Stay ahead of tha curve, be sensible. NOW for tha whole "Black Women Lookin' for a good Black man" argument.

Just stop. Bottom line, just stop. Like my grandmama said (keep in mind,this is 64 years of marriage talkin') "Love tha devil you're wit."

I'm not sayin' all black men are devils.(Phuck tha hate mail) What i'm sayin is, if you're wit someone or interested in someone, obviously they have somethin' that's holdin' your attention. Just use your natural essence as a woman, to decipher if this is tha one for you, Stop lettin' that list above dictate your happiness.


There's soooooo much more to say about this, but I have a headache and my legs are numb from sittin' on this porcelain throne o' mine.



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