Fellas, Lemme me hook ya up...

Sooo..I'm eatin' cake off this beautiful woman's azz ,right (#DontJudgeMe. 1. She's clean AND a christian/Sunday school teacher. 2. It was Angel Food Cake, so it evens everything out.) and my Blackburry alert goes off to remind me that , "Damn, i's gotta B writin' some snappy wordin soon" NOTE: I never really focus on my "Coon" audience, so that was my attempt.


I'm thinkin' that, A. My Cake has an extra creaminess to it. B. Guys over 36 who are, "Late Bloomers" when it comes to dating, are tha most awkward SonsABitches i've ever seen.


When I hear some of tha pick- up lines, it's damn close to listenin' to a speech therapy class. Tha stutterin', tha stammerin', and that's just them sayin their own phuckin' name. #RainManSoundingBastards


Well..I'm here to help. (Awww Sh!t.) I'm gonna give ya some sure fire conversation pieces, that are guaranteed to either be unique and work (FatPhuckinChance) or land ya wit tha same results ya got now.(NotAMuhPhuckinThing.) Sooo.. Let's play.

Now...Any guy (Accept tha guy that has to read my sh!t, wit a Magnifiying Glass. On top of using glasses.) can use that standard "Excuse me miss" or "Hey Guh (For my Mississippi readers.) i'll drink yo bath water." But that's not grabbin' tha attention, right at tha outset. Try these:


- "Mann....Can I eat syrup sammiches off yo thighs?!?"

- " I like Cake. I like your azz. Can I eat cake off your azz?" (If it works, Use red velvet.)

- "You go to that churrrch over dere, because you got a Holy Booty" (If you use this, you deserve to have yo face ripped off....Jackazz.)

- "My apartment smells of rich Mahogany." (Thanks to tha movie "AnchorMan")

- "Mannn..That dress will look niiice, Balled up next to my bed" (You would have to be RainMan to try that one, and still walk away wit yo nuts.)

- " You aint a cop are you?!?" (Look..Some of ya'll can't stay away, from that "Pay to play.")

- "Damn...Ya mama got a azz like that too?" (If this one works,Chances are you're tryin' to bang tha "Sllloooow" girl, that works at Burger King.)

- Hi, my name is (Insert Name here.) I would be honored if, I could enjoy your company.

I truly recommend tha last one, for more positive results. In a nutshell fellas, Ya can't keep steppin' to Queens,wit all that sorry azz, immature, "Wanna be Ray J" bullshit i've heard ya do. Try tha truth. Try bein' sincere. Try a breathmint.

HINT: Fellas...Women are soooooo Turned on by a man who has.....Wait for it....wait for it.....some Intelligence, Some confidence. Oh yeah..Respect for them,right from tha start.

Fellas, that's tha hook-up. Good luck to all. And for some of you who ACTUALLY may use those lines listed above, Maybe Masterbating is more for you.


ONE LOVE.


Come on Cleatus...Say it. mayhemchild007@yahoo.com www.facebook.com/matt.lloyd3

Follow me. (No Homo.) www.twitter.com/mayhemm09

Matt's Public Service Announcement.

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Track 30. Tha end of tha beginning.

As I get my Autoerotism Asphyxiation on, (Tha lil Minx that wears all that black on my Facebook page, FINALLY said yes! Mmmm... And she's a squirter!!! NOTE: need Swim goggles.) I'm also puttin' together my "New beginnings" post.

I don't do year in reviews, that's what T.V. does for ya. I don't do New Year's resolutions because, I don't wanna resolute sh!t. I'm happy wit bein' me. (Think bout' it. I got this beautiful woman to do things wit me, that only farm animals would do, for only some Cheddar Biscuits at Red Lobster. Mmmm...*She squeezes neck firmly. Did'nt Climax yet.* Sorry, I almost blacked out.)

What I will do though, is go over things I plan to do, more. Ya see, resolutions are things ya try to either stop or "put a leash" on. Me, I plan to just enhance on, what i've been doin'.

- For instance, I plan to get out more. Not because i'm five cats away, from bein' that lonely old dude, eatin' Farina. (Ask ya momma what that was..) It's because, in order to write sh!t about life, ya gotta live life. It's easy to blog Fiction, tha hardest sh!t to write about, is always tha truth. Sooo...I think i'll sample some life from column A, and some from column B, and see what i'll crap out.

- Next. I wanna actually help some phuckas along tha way. i'm thinkin' that my sh!t, could maybe, help ya to know that, you're not alone when it comes to some weird, "Heath Ledger's Joker" type thoughts. (By tha way...Heath Ledger's Performance in "The Dark Knight" BEST EVAR.)

As you read this cyber toilet paper, ya realize that, I make you look sane. *Takes Red ball-gag out of mouth, to take a swig of Red Kool-Aid*

- Finally, I wanna stay growin', as a person. I never wanna become that bitter, old, phuck. I always wanna keep sharing, shinin' and continue to make ya sick, laugh, or masterbate to my profile pic. ( It could happen.)

Well...that's what i'm gonna do, this comin' year. Be prepared. Be afraid. Be open. I am.

*She tightens her "KittyMuscles", while tighting tha grip around his throat and...* AHHHHHGGHHH....... That's what i'm talkin' bout' *She gets up and fixes him Cheese-Eggs and Welch's grape juice*



Think i'm playin'? www.facebook.com/matt.lloyd3 mayhemchild007@yahoo.com FOLLOW ME! www.twitter.com/mayhemm09





DO IT FOR THA LOVE.

Track 29. My thoughts be Tangled and sh*t...

As I was pleasuring myself, using that one magazine...uh...er...uh...(*Turns Magazine over for name. "Ashley Stewart..Fall collection 2009."*) I started to piece together some thoughts. (Masterbation helps me think... Sue me.) As tha year winds down, I need to untangle these lil nuggets and present them in a comprehensive, consise form. (#ThatsThatBullShit.)

- This has been tha year of "Everyone thinks they're deserving of bein' a "Brand". I'm truly cool wit tha fact that everybody, holds themselves in high regard. BUT let's be honest wit one's self..Some of ya'll aint that compelling to know.

Look..I realize that all of us, at one time or another, look for validation from someone or somewhere. They say All the worlds a stage, and we're tha actors. Not all of us can be tha Denzel or Angelina of our own lil universe. Sometimes ya gotta be honest wit yourself that, maybe you're just that Not Ready for Prime time player. Tha best way to become a "Brand", is to just give tha people...you. Everyone that stands apart from tha herd, is just bein' themselves. Personas are played out. And to those who may not approve of tha Juicy Goodness, that is you..Phuck em'. They were'nt worth yo time anyhoo.



- Is it me, or has tha music of today resembled more of a Stool sample, complete wit corn, rather than something to evoke emotions, memories and feelin'?!? Radio sucks Rotweiler penis.



Everything I've heard over tha last year or more, lacks any clear direction. Look without sounding like that old guy that stands on his porch, in his drawers screamin' "Get off my damn lawn", Music was much, much better as far back as tha 90's. Don't get me wrong, Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles,Frankie Knuckles, Bootsy and tha like, will always be tha innovators of a rhythm movement.


But tha 90's will be in tha history books for havin' tha last bastion of music that made an emotional connection to a generation. Sure we had our nasty asses..(R."piss on U" Kelly, Jo(on that sh!t)deci,) But they also provided a clever mixture of Nasty and finesse. Everything now sounds like what those kids in those "Alternative" programs, write as essays.


- Aiiight...Let's all stop once and for all, about...Haters. NOTE: If you have to acknowledge that you have haters, then ...really it's obvious ya really don't have any. Yo problem is that, yo azz is paranoid. Those that are comfortable in their own skin, don't acknowledge negativity.


Ahhh...*rinses off right hand...and computer* Now..That's tha stuff.


Let's be friends *Wink, like a muh Phucka* www.facebook.com/matt.lloyd3 mayhemchild007@yahoo.com Or follow this ish... www.twitter.com/mayhemm09

Simply CoonTastic.

ONE LOVE to MEDIATAKEOUT.COM for this snapshot at Coon-americana. Ya know me...I'm not surprised at where tha tattoo is. BUT...1.Look at tha tattoo itself. It looks like a blueprint, for ways to get in and out of her Vagina. 2. If you look at tha RIGHT AZZ CHEEK (Top Half) it looks like she had pimples that she busted recently. (It was a SLOW day at work for me to notice this sh!t...)

Holiday Musings ( I threw tha pin...But held tha grenade.)

As I stand here dippin' my "Member" in a Jar of Nutella, Havin' Daytime/Nocturnal emissions about that Threesome I want with, S. Epatha Merkerson, All of tha cocktail (HeeHee..I said Cock...then I said Tail...#ImmatureMoment.) Waitresses at Revelations (Go and look.) And tha one woman on my FaceBook page who looks like she's had her SweaterMeat fluffed...but they're natural. Look...I know It's more than three, but, shit I have a hearty appetite..And I want those 3 minutes and 12 seconds of pleasure, to go a looong way. (Seee ladies...I'm quite a catch.)


AnyHoo.. I was also thinkin' bout, this time of tha year. A LOT of us go into recluse mode when it comes to holiday cheer and shit. Whether it's due your financial situation, lack of a support system or just bitter, sad memories of holidays past...we tend to shut tha world out and cease to smile.


Well, I could'nt sit (Of course I can't sit...My Penis is Marinating in Nutella..hellooo.) and watch another soul go without some...uh...er...umm...cheer. So as I Marinate my Member, I decided to get some shit off my chest. My thoughts. If not to make ya think, to make you realize that "Matt's a sick phuck and MY HOLIDAY/LIFE AIN'T SO BAD."

Soooo...There's no rhyme or reason to these questions and statements. (Duh..my shit is called RantsOfAMadMan.) Just read and know that, these are my opinions and my trains of thought. *Takes Penis out of Nutella and sprinkles Cinnamon on Penis, and places it back in, to marinate more.* Enter at your own risk.


- I don't understand how someone can be soooo "Christian", "God Fearin'", and all tha buzz words of a good person, on a Social Networkin' website, and everytime I peep ya Pic... ya showin' me your Scattered Soft-core Porn azz ,wit some message next to it from Rev Run, or some shit. I'm sure Rev Run appreciates you soakin' in his message, but tha pic wit you and your SweaterMeat all out (Ladies) and those pics wit you clutchin' your "Imagination" (Fellas) seems to confuse tha hell out of me. Pick a damn lane, when ya tryin' to live right.




- Is there a reason why we would rather Text, E-mail, Instant message, Carrier-damn-Pigeon, someone we want/need to communicate with, rather than Call their azz?!?




- Ladies....In my opinion, DO NOT feel insecure about your stretch marks. It makes you look like a sexy Tigress. For Fellas, It makes you look like you got mauled by a Wolverine.


- Fellas OVER 36. What part of your self-esteem, perspective or dignity tells you, that you can keep up with someone considerably YOUNGER then yo azz?!? See... Ya seem to can't keep women ya own age happy, why phuck around and make "Miss Daddy Issues" sad?

- Women OVER 36. I understand that findin' a YOUNGER man is somewhat sexy. But if you ALREADY had/have kids, do you want another "Mr. Not to Damn Developed.. Mentally / Mommy breast fed him tooo damn long" sittin' on your couch, eatin' your Breyer's?

- Ladies...Don't you feel better when you wear MATCHIN' Bra and Panties?!?


- Don't you hate when you see someone dressed to impress, and their teeth look like they're havin' a gang fight in their mouth?!? You would think if He/She could afford those clothes, they could afford 1-800 DENTIST.


- Have you ever wondered how much sequins it would take, to make a dress for Aretha Franklin? (Google a current pic of her.)


- Trey Songz wrote a song called "I invented Sex". If he did, in fact "Invent" sex, That means he "Invented" those STD's. #ConspiracyTheory.



- Fellas. Have you ever stared at a woman's azz so hard, you thought you saw YOUR reflection?!?

- Porn should really be called.."Shit that will NEVA happen to you."

- Ladies/Fellas. Have you ever Masterbated soooo hard, ya blacked out? (Don't judge me. I got carried away one friday night, I woke up, it was Saturday afternoon. Mmmmm... Nutella.)



- I found out that tickets to a New Year's Eve party Featuring R.Kelly, may cost near 200$. For that much, is he gonna personally come over and pee in my champange glass?!? (Don't think I want a R.Kelly Mimosa.)

- When you see a "CockEyed" person wearin' glasses, Do you ever just think...*In old black churrrch lady's voice* "That baby need more medicine, in them glasses." Or "Maybe those Hubble telescope lenses can help."

- Ladies...a little F.Y.I. Look at your boyfriend / husband when they're brushin' their teeth. If they have no gag reflex, when they brush their tongue, They may be on tha DL. (Hmmm. Wait for it....Wait for it....) #ConspiracyTheory.

- Fellas. If your wife has no gag reflex...DIVORCE IS NOT AN OPTION. get couseling. If your Girfriend has no gag reflex MARRY HER. But, put a surveilence chip in her weave, so you can keep up wit your "Precious Find."

As you can see...I don't have tha sense God gave mice. But as I stated before, These are just my thoughts. I'll have more as tha year ends. If nothin' else, this makes you feel NORMAL. (Whateva dat is.) *Takes Penis out of tha Nutella. Admires tha glaze and Cinnamon sprinkles.* If only I was double jointed, I'd neva leave tha house. BON APPETITE.


Call me.. I'm in tha book. mayhemchild007@yahoo.com www.facebook.com/matt.lloyd3

Ya gotta follow this shit in real time. www.twitter.com/mayhemm09 See you should feel better bout' yoself already.

Track 28. I should'nt have Noticed. But...

There is a reason why my azz should not be allowed, in public other than, to go to work and go tha hell home. My problem is that, I'm a people-watchin' fool. It NEVA ceases to amaze me tha testicular and vaginal (Had to be fair to tha ladies.) fortitude some folks possess when it comes to a social/"Club" setting.

I decided to be social Friday night and hang out wit tha "Beautiful" people. I think I'm gonna try this bullet point list thing because...shit, I can.

• Ya ever notice security guys at a club, NEVER look like they go hungry?!? Also, It seems that clubs are hiring a lot of "Charles Barkley" stunt doubles for security.
• In terms of tha club atmosphere, is it me, or does it remind you of Halloween?!? Damn near everybody is pretendin' to be somebody else. Not to mention, no one wants to play tha part of an adult..just a selfish-azz kid.
• Ladies, Is there a reason why SOME feel tha need, to work out yo "Daddy" issues at tha club?!? There's a good reason ladies why SOME of you, can't keep or attract, a good man. If you're tryin' to meet "Mr.Right" in a "Meat Market" atmosphere, where you KNOW that, you're already lowering your standards, by dressin' like you should be singin' "Bad Girls" by Donna Summer..How do you expect to attract tha man you need? (Yeah, I said NEED. What you WANT aint always good for ya.) BE YOURSELF. Tha attraction will follow.
• Fellas, how phucked is your self-esteem if tha only way you can even attempt to dialouge wit' tha opposite sex, (Or even same sex...No FishSticks) is if you use tha "MooLah" principle?!? Money,cars, or that fake-azz ChinChilla coat, (NOTE: By tha way..If you're OVER 275LBS and you're wearin' a FUR whatever coat PLEEEASE STOP! it looks like you Wear and Molest Bears.) won't help your quest for a mate,if you open yo mouth, and you're a phuckin' idiot. TRY THIS. Try bein' respectable,polite and attentive and most important...LISTEN. Ya may actually attract someone who you won't have to go see tha doctor afterwards.

*Looks out at Audience. Notices stares.* I see, I observe too much huh? Well..I could be wrong, BUT judgin' by your look, I could be on to something. Seeee...It's always good to just be ya damn self. Ya never know who's watchin'.

Mmmmmm...Honesty. Tastes good. mayhemchild007@yahoo.com www.facebook.com/matt.lloyd3 or follow my chicanery on www.twitter/mayhemm09 ONE LOVE.